Well folks, this has been a week of sick kids. After three nights of waking up every 45 minutes things are getting weird around here. As in, want a dish to eat off of? Gonna have to wash one. Why is there a puddle on the floor? Oh, I got distracted while changing Ella’s diaper and she is crawling around with a bare tushy. There is quinoa and rice ground into my carpet, which might as well be cement. Seriously, how do you get it out? Reading this should make me feel better but it really doesn’t. I feel like I have chosen my priorities and the big ones are healthy food, attentiveness to my children’s needs during the day and night, and self awareness. I’m not trying to scrap book or teach them sign language or have a perfect home, but when the baby needs to be held for three days straight the dishes pile up. I don’t feel like I need to wash them because I think I’m not keeping up somehow, but dude, I need to have some kind of order around here or else it just gets depressing. Sometimes motherhood is overwhelming not because we are dividing our attention and doubting ourselves, but simply because one baby can soak up the effort and attention of an entire room full of people. What I really want is to offer my kids love and hopefully help them have the capacity to love themselves and others. That is very vague and is a life’s work full of ebbs and flows, confusion and boundaries, truth seeking, painful realizations, and above all, constant effort. I do believe there are a million ways to be a great mom, and I don’t think my right answers are everyone’s right answers. I realize that no one has done parenting this way before. To me, that means that this is an exciting opportunity to help people grow with amazing love and compassion in their hearts. I believe that if I treat my kids with real respect and love and healthy boundaries they will have skills to succeed in relationships. I’m sure they are picking up a bunch of funky baggage too, but I’m doing my best to work through my own stuff so it doesn’t get in their way.
My response to the article I mentioned above; You know what? I appreciate the affirmation that I’m doing a good job. I know I’m doing a good job because I’m working really hard and try to treat my kids with kavod. I want more than a pat on the back, I want a different world, I want to have the support I need and not be cutting corners constantly just to pay for health insurance because my husband is a teacher and I choose to stay home to take care of my babies.
I’m sick of the judging, I’m sick of the comparisons. I can tell you all day about what I think is the best way to care for a child, but the only real advice I have to give any other mother is to look inside yourself, question your preconceived notions, get your fears out of the way and trust your intuition. Don’t worry about what anyone says, because your right isn’t right for them, its right for you.
I realize this is kind of all over the place, and I want to put it on hold for a more peaceful moment to clarify my thoughts. I won’t though, because life goes on at the speed of now, and right now this is how I feel.