Children are the cure to many common ailments of adulthood:
1. Social anxiety? Not anymore! Now that you are a parent everyone and their mother, father, cousin’s friend and hairdresser will have something to say to you. After fielding comments that range from complementary, (“Your baby’s so cute!” Thanks.) to condescending, (“Your baby’s feet look cold.” THANKS.) to just plain weird, (“Do you want me to hold your baby while you go to the bathroom?” No, strange lady in public restroom, no thank you.) you will no longer have any trouble facing and making conversation with literally anyone. Add the awkwardness of trying to make friends at the playground and through the wonders of immersion therapy your former self-conscious, socially anxious thoughts will be banished forever.
2. Bored? Not sure what to do with your free time? Think maybe you should develop some more interesting interests, or a hobby? Once you have kids the thought, “I’m bored” will become officially extinct from your vocabulary. These energetic, demanding creatures leave nary a moment for using the bathroom let alone boredom. You will continually add to a long mental list of things you will do when you “get some free time” and occasionally find yourself hiding in the bathroom to collect your thoughts. Plus, kids love to have fun even in the most boring places, so get ready for improv puppet shows at airport terminals, freestyle rapping in traffic, and silly story telling while waiting in line at the bank.
3. Feeling sluggish? Find it hard to get going in the morning? No problem! Having kids will ensure that you will never again succumb to the inertia of hitting one more snooze on the alarm. In fact, you will not even have to set an alarm because as Mo told me once, “If they aren’t up by 6 it’s a miracle and we deserve it, I’ll just be late for work.” Children will turn on the overhead light, leap into your bed, and demand food, all before you would have ever considered waking up before. You will also develop the unique skill of being able to feed/diaper/change sheets/scare monsters away while mentally still sleeping. Try not to send any emails in this hazy dream state though, they will likely include expletives and spelling errors.
4. Apathetic? Just don’t really care? No matter how much of a badass you were before, having kids will make you into an upright citizen. They notice everything which helps with appreciating the formerly insignificant details of life. Things you let slide before, you will now rise up against vehemently. Littering! Terrible. Jaywalking! Dangerous. Not saying please or thank you? Blasphemous!
5. Take yourself too seriously? The perspective of a child is the great equalizer. No matter who you are (or who you think you are) you will be looked at and commented on with brutal honesty. Once your child who is playing air guitar with underwear on his head turns to you and says, “Your boobies are too close to your belly button!” you HAVE to laugh. Otherwise you will cry.