Mo and I have been married for almost six years now. We met eight years ago! This is amazing to me, because inside I pretty much still feel sixteen. We met when I was a junior in college and he was back at school finishing his degree. We dated for a year, had a really great time going dancing, sharing our favorite NYC museums and gardens, and generally doing the footloose and fancy free thing really well. Then Mo moved to Israel and things got serious. I moved in with him there, decided to convert, we got engaged, married, pregnant, gave birth to our baby boy and moved back to the states. Each step of the way we learned more and more about each other and ourselves. With each revelation came painful feelings that eventually yielded to a sense of freedom and openness.
When we can see things about ourselves, our families, or our relationships with clarity, sometimes it is really hard to take. I know I have done all kinds of things to avoid the uncomfortable feelings that come with looking honestly at myself or my life. It is very unsettling to think about making changes, letting things go, and acknowledging hurt in present and past. I read somewhere that the feelings that come from difficult experiences can become like locked rooms inside of ourselves, and we do whatever we can to keep them closed off. The suggestion in the book was to open up the rooms and sit in them for a while, let some fresh air and light in. This idea meant so much to me, because I didn’t have to do anything. My first question in any scenario is “What do I do?” This instinct helps me take action, but sometimes action gets in the way! With the “sitting in the room” technique I don’t have to do anything. Just let a little fresh air and light into a space inside myself. For me the hard part is finding the courage and desire to actually open that door to begin with. I find the motivation to begin by reminding myself that once the doors to more and more of these closed areas are opened, my internal space becomes more open, flexible, and pleasant to spend time in. I certainly do not think I have it all figured out, and I still sometimes struggle with anxiety, depression, and learning how to enjoy myself. Yet, when I look back at things I had difficulty with or realizations that caused me pain a year, two years, eight years ago, I realize that growth and change are possible.
More soon, including some special recipes!
Have a great week 🙂